ashkiryn: (marauders <3)
[personal profile] ashkiryn
Oh man, this episode kills and punches me with the feels nowadays. Probably because it's such a Dean-centric episode, which....let's be honest, I'm a sucker for those. Especially ones like this episode, because it introduces what's basically my favorite thing EVER in a long list of favorite things about Dean Winchester.

Yep. It's time for me to get thrown down the Good Daddy Fangirl Slope. This episode is written by Sera Gamble and Raelle Tucker.


I suppose in some ways I'd fit right on in to the Supernatural universe, because like all of them, I've got what you could classify as "Daddy Issues".

They're nothing terribly bad, and nowhere near the levels of fucked up that other people have---for instance, my dad has never beat or physically abused me, or sexually, or anything like that. And I'd like to think that he would never dream of it, either (though I don't presume to speak for him, in any case), and I also know, intellectually at the very least, that my dad loves me. Therefore, it makes me feel kind of petty to talk about my Daddy Issues, but you know what? I'm going to fucking talk about them anyway, so, whatever. :/

*sighs* I honestly don't know how to put any of this into words, and this is probably going to drag on for quite a while and hardly talk about Supernatural at all, but, oh well. And maybe, honestly....that's part of the beauty of shows like this one....that they inspire us to examine our own selves and lives, to maybe get us to work through our own issues in a way that Sam and Dean Winchester have never done. And perhaps we can think of it as them carrying out their family business even through our TVs: saving people, hunting things (inner demons are still demons, right?).

Anyway. I don't know if I'd call my dad a bad father. I suppose I have a great amount of negative emotions, even possibly hatred (though I don't like to think about that) towards him, but instead of just letting myself feel them, or allow them to hit their intended target, I've grown into the habit of disconnecting those emotions, and redirecting them onto other, safer, things that I mentally associate with my dad: sports, Pinocchio, outer space/Taken/Star Trek/Star Wars, black and white television programs and movies, old westerns, old movies and music in general, crime novels, etc, etc. I guess I'd rather hate these things, these things that I can block out of my life and that refuse to deal with and that don't fucking care that I hate them, instead of hating him, and thus hurting him.

Is that weird? That I'm so concerned over hurting my dad's feelings? Is that love, being willing to distance myself from my own emotions, because I know that facing them would only bring him pain? Isn't it that "hell is yourself, and the only salvation comes from when we put ourselves aside to feel deeply for another person"?

I don't know. At any rate, I'm not sure that he's worth my efforts, or even if it's really his feelings that I'm so concerned about....sometimes I wonder if this is just me being selfish and burying my head into the sand so that I don't have to go through the work and pain; is this me being realistic or pessimistic?

I suppose I'll call him emotionally distant. You know the type? A man born in 1951, in a patriarchial world of rigid gender roles, and being a man means you don't cry or show emotion, that it's shameful to do that and also be disabled. I mean, my dad has the same bone disease that I do---not as severe as me, sure, but still---and even though I'm disabled, I don't think he's ever done the mental connect-the-dots to realize that he's the same as me. But he denies so much of himself---he has his pride or something, and he'd rather take the easy way out and just languish in a purgatory of his own making instead of being fucking proactive and trying to do something, or reach out, or anything to make it better.

No. He'd rather get lost in his own world of music, work, and TV shows, and not make any effort of reaching out and bonding with his daughters or know them as young women. I bet everything was just so much easier when all of his children were little kids---distract us with something shiny, play with us, everything's golden. But not when we grow up. Now, with my older half-siblings, he's having to make amends to them, my sister in particular, for missing out in the teenage/young adult years. And maybe he's got some kind of easier relationship going with Lys, I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that it seems to be me with the problem.

Maybe it's because we're so alike, and I just can't help but see so many of my negative traits as extending from him---like general laziness, and how fucking easy it is to immerse myself in fandom(s) and then just get lost in them and never want to come out to face more of reality, for wanting people to come to me and not the other way around. And for fuck's sake---it's hard to kick bad habits when he's there, being the showcase of them all extraordinaire. And so far, I've dealt and thought of this as being, you know, the warning and reminder of what I don't want to be. But is it so wrong that I don't want to think of my dad like that? To just...be able to think positively about him for a change?

The problem is that he just has absolutely no interest in taking an interest in any of, well, my interests. Which, you know, there's a give and take expected in friendships----but I don't want him to be my fucking friend. I want him to be my dad. And is it wrong of me to feel entitled, to feel that I don't have to like his things, but that he should at least make an effort (because he hasn't made any whatsoever) for mine? Hell, perhaps I expect too much---maybe just because that's what I get from my mom, I shouldn't expect it from him. And maybe this is all a sign of a deeper problem of my self-esteem. So much of myself that I hate, I associate as coming from him (the prime example being my body issues---and I don't mean just my bone disease, though that's a big part of it; my unibrow, hairy nipples and navel...(and fuck, but I have never breathed those words even remotely aloud before, but I need to voice those sometime, and damn it, I refuse to be ashamed of talking about it here)). And I don't like hating parts of myself. And I don't like thinking that my own dad finds me wholly uninteresting and boring, and something that doesn't deserve his time or attention.

Fuck. Yep, that hit deep. Now I'm tearing up.

To bring this more around back to the topic, and in result of my Daddy Issues, I have a great love for fantastic fathers in fiction. I vicariously seek in them things that I don't get from my own dad, I suppose. Thus, and what feels I've said a million times: nothing throws me down a slope to fangirling something like a Good Daddy.

Therefore, is it any wonder that I'm as madly, deeply in love with Dean Winchester as I am, Friend To All Children Extraordinaire? And that this trait is my favorite part about his character?

Just...watching this episode again, Dean literally brought me to tears, the way he handles Lucas Barr. The way he always bends or squats down to Lucas's height, how he never pushes Lucas and only encourages him, how he tries to engage Lucas in the things and activities that the boy likes (army men, drawing) and relate to him on the boy's own level, how he basically says to hell with it with pretending to maintain an image, and that he goes and becomes what Lucas needs him to be....

Fucking Christ, I love Dean Winchester so fucking much, you guys.

And this honestly isn't very critical all that much, but I DON'T CARE. I think Dean and Lucas's relationship develops very organically---how Dean can't quite bring himself to talk about his mom in their first conversation, but he's able to pick it up later when it becomes important (and hell, maybe he was thinking then about how he had to be brave for this little kid and try to help ease the boy's trauma that he understands all too well, that his mom would want that...), how Dean always immediately focuses on Lucas whenever he sees him, and not treating him as being invisible, like adults kind of tend to do with kids.

I also love character growth, and as Jensen Ackles so right remarked, we get to peel back several layers of the onion that is Dean Winchester. Honestly, I think even Sam was surprised and didn't know that these depths existed to his brother (and that tears me between two emotions---wanting to slap Sam for being a fucking moron, or weeping and clutching Dean because he represses and hides so much of what makes him happy. Dilemma).

So, parallel and symbolism time, yes? XD Obviously, there's the message that the truth and past won't remain buried. But going beyond that...let's see, we have two young boys, who got carried away with themselves and their bullying, and accidentally drown a smaller boy, they get understandably freaked and try to cover up all evidence of this, but the spirit, Peter, is angry that his mother had to live with the pain of his disappearance for all of these years and at the injustice of it all, and so seeks to try to inflict the same punishment on his tormentors.

Maybe, then, we get a mirrored effect, and an opposite parallel in Dean and Lucas. They both suffered from the same thing---the traumatic loss of a parent (as opposed to the loss of children). But Dean does the opposite thing that Peter does: instead of punishing people to share in the same fate, he instead uses his experiences to help others forced to endure the same. Indeed, Dean probably didn't get the comfort and support that he needed when he lost his mom, and so here he does his level best to ensure that the same thing doesn't happen to Lucas.

And despite Dean's best efforts to bury basically everything genuine about himself, Sam still digs it all up, little by little, following the trail of clues and bread crumbs.

(I'm going to take a brief moment, though, to admire the foreshadowing up in here: THE ARMY MEN, SOMEBODY FUCKING HOLD ME.)

Anyway, to conclude this, maybe it hurts to confront your past, but...it makes better people out of us, in the end.







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